


Imposure Therapy

by JackedofSpades



Category: The Masquerade Series - Seth Dickinson
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Medical Examination, Medical Procedures, Mutual Pining, Needles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paralysis, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rating will change to M and possibly E in later chapters, Sexual Repression, and you know what im gonna go ahead and add:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27762694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JackedofSpades/pseuds/JackedofSpades
Summary: Post-Tyrant fic set in Falcrest. Baru is establishing herself before her move on Segu Mbo to establish her trade empire. While she waits for Spring, she finds herself experiencing the symptoms of PTSD and continues her patterns of obsession and self-hatred. One night, Shao Lune reappears in court and Baru follows her, unable to let what happened between them lie. Iscend takes notice, and has her own unresolved feelings to contend with.
Relationships: Iscend Comprine/Baru Cormorant
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Grief and Grifting

Baru watched with curled lip from the mezzanine of the commercial plaza as Shao Lune flaunted her protections. She was uncharacteristically rapturous, a facade played either for the navy captain’s benefit, or, as it seemed impossible to Baru that Shao Lune did not feel Baru’s gaze on her from on high, for Baru’s detriment. The captain was not one Baru recognized, which either made her a bluff, or very dangerous. And Shao Lune knew this, as she curled a hand gingerly around the captain’s waist, as she escorted her away from the lieutenant and three bureaucrats (men, of no consequence) to a more secluded location for private discussion. It was easy to follow them, the obnoxious trill of Shao Lune’s laugh louder than the city’s storm sirens. She was practically calling back to Baru as she tracked her through the narrowing alleys, walking directly into Shao Lune’s hand.

Baru climbed a residential wall into a private, but shared garden space. Upper class quarters, but not so rich as the sprawling garden spaces a single family would keep in the luxury district. Baru ducked under a hedge from a sound to her left. She looked around, but saw no one. She had been distracted, calculating property values and what she could swing tonight if she needed to pull this captain’s assets and--

Shao Lune was moving again, the captain leading now, one thick arm thrown around Shao Lune’s shoulders. Not fraternizing, no. The friendly, jocular friendship among shipmates headed out together, cruising for men and beer. Clearly.

Baru pressed herself against the compound’s servant’s quarters, ducking under the windows, moving like an agitated crab as Shao Lune trilled another obnoxious laugh. “Yes I know, Lune. I hear you. Idiot,” Baru muttered under her mask as she two-stepped quickly across an exposed path and crept along a half-wall skirting the inner courtyard’s laundry hangings. She could see the lanterns lit across the way in the servant’s sleeping room, and she risked it, hopping up the half-stair into the kitchen storage.

“No! You dog!”

“But I did! Oh, and that’s not half of it--”

Baru caught sight of Shao Lune again, and swore she saw the traitor look back at her, a smirk thrown over her shoulder as the captain pulled her along into an outdoor seating area. There a servant waited with food and ale, a hookah prepared and waiting on the small table they settled at. Baru climbed a lattice wall like a ship’s girl, shimmying up into what she hoped was an unoccupied bedroom balcony. She crept on her knees, thoughts of past knee pain and the taste of bilge supplanting her thoughts of subterfuge unbidden. She gagged, also unbidden.

She found a spot in the wood of the balcony’s half-wall that allowed her a sliver of sight. She leaned forward and pulled off her mask, the better to see through the slat with her left eye. 

Shao Lune was seated with her feet thrown up and crossed on the table, the captain gesturing to the servant to pull down the privacy screens on two sides while she puffed at the hookah.

 _Look, Baru._ Shao Lune was saying, _Look how quickly I’ve found new friends. New protection. New assets. You are nothing to me. But I have something on you._

It did not escape Baru’s notice that the captain was Falcresti. It sickened her that she did not know her face, nor her name. For all Baru knew, Shao Lune had paid a whore to dress up in captain’s uniform (a serious offense) simply to lead Baru here. To drive her into madness again. Or, if Baru assessed reality now with her new found interpersonal skills, this could be completely unrelated. Just some captain. Just a desperate attempt of a cornered pawn looking for the easiest parry.

“The three of us are like a triangle, currently flattened into a line.”

Baru slammed her nose into the half-wall and turned too quickly to see Iscend leaning casually in shadow behind her in a form-fitted midnight blue jumpsuit. The smallest sliver of gold shone from the inner lining, poking out from the top most button at her throat.

“You followed me,” Baru said.

“It wasn’t difficult.”

Baru rolled her eyes and looked back to see Shao Lune throwing her head back as she laughed at what could only be crude navy humor, delivered dryly from the captain. The captain turned her head and half-coughed, half-laughed. Taking advantage, Shao Lune quickly flicked something into the captain’s drink.

“I can get her on that,” Baru said, her grin dampered only slightly by the pain in her nose. Absently, she rubbed the cartilage where her nose had collided with the wood. “Drugging a superior officer.”

“By the looks of it, she’s already drugged.”

The captain was standing now, hands above her head as she squatted and jumped to the beat of music a second servant was beating out anxiously on a drum while singing.

“Why are you even here? I thought Heyschest had you on Croftare.”

“No, he has me on you.”

“No, he doesn’t. He says that he does, to see what I’ll do. You should be on Croftare because I asked you to be.”

Iscend tilted her head. “What do you want with Shao Lune?”

Baru stiffened, realized she had, then relaxed. Which was just a more complex tell. She sighed and beckoned Iscend to look through the slat in the wood. Iscend compiled.

“What do you know about that captain?” Baru asked. Iscend smelt like Segu butter and cinnamon. Her brown skin was vibrant with it, and the light played off a shimmery cosmetic brushed onto her high cheekbones. Baru shifted farther away.

“Captain Geland. She’s one of the reserve ships called home from the Maia ports to bolster your grand fleet for the Segu negotiations next season.”

“So she’s one of ours?”

“For now, I suppose.”

Geland was now doing some sort of jig. She spun in the air, then lost her footing and knocked the drink Shao Lune had drugged onto the floor. Shao Lune laughed loudly, pointing at the shattered glass like it was a flaccid penis in a whorehouse. The first servant nervously attempted to clean up the shards while Geland picked up the larger pieces and threw them at Shao Lune.

“ _Wydd_. Maybe you’re right.”

“I am, but what about?”

Baru slumped against the balcony wall. It did feel very foolish now. She had had her big show on the throne months ago, triumphant and high off of it, if she was being honest. She had managed to lay low, to delegate, while she got a feel for the city. Assessed the new players. Found the local wheels and began to oil them. She had all but forgotten about Shao Lune, and the sinking feeling in her gut that accompanied her thoughts of the woman, and then only a week ago she had appeared again, in Baru’s social circles, under the same name as always, flaunting herself like bait. For what, Baru had hoped to find tonight. But truly, what did it matter? Accusing Baru of being a tribadist would gain her anything at this point. Baru had tied those ends. And unless Lune went down for the crime as well--no. She was too self-serving. Even more than Baru.

“You’re right about this being a waste of time.” Baru ran a hand through her hair and that thing happened again. That thing that had been happening with more alarming regularity these past months. It was beginning to sorely annoy her, the thing, but the more she tried to stop it, the more it seemed to happen.

“ _Oh_ , you poor thing.” Iscend offered her sleeve and Baru pushed it away. Iscend raised it to her face anyway, wiping the tears that fell from Baru’s left eye. “It’s actually fascinating, that you somehow can control each tear duct independently.”

Baru scrunched her nose and threw her head. 

“Well, at least I find it fascinating.”

“You are the only person on this whole miserable continent who would pity me.”

Iscend tilted her head, her lips pursed to speak. She stilled, thinking better of her answer. Instead she said, “Would you allow me to take care of her?”

“What? No. It doesn’t matter. I need to get back to--”

“Tell me why.”

“What?”

Iscend folded herself into a kneeling sit, her feet tucked neatly under her, hands arranged neatly in her lap. “Tell me why it doesn’t matter.”

“What are you, my therapist?”

“I am, yes.”

Baru started to get up but realized she could not do so gracefully or angrily enough while remaining crouched and concealed behind the half-wall. Behind them, more raucous shouting echoed off the courtyard walls. Someone was shouting down at them from another building’s balcony. Or they were joining in. Falcrest, the center of civilization.

Baru met Iscend’s gaze. She was poised, her fox eyes calm yet attentive. Her hair was perfect, for someone trailing a cryptarch through alleyways and climbing lattice walls. It looked soft, well conditioned. It probably smelled wonderful. Baru covered her face with her hands and dragged them down.

“I think you’re experiencing a delayed trauma response.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes. It’s common, in situations such yours.”

“My extremely statistically average trauma.”

“No. Well--No. The inciting incident isn’t important. Well, it is. But anyway. Stop distracting me.”

“ _I'm_ distracting _you_?”

Iscend betrayed the smallest smile and then continued, as if she had not been interrupted. “When a subject transitions from an environment of constant, prolonged trauma and immediate danger to one of relative safety and calm, often there is an interim period where the subject feels vacant, unaffected and reports feeling ‘normal’. They often insist the traumatic incident had no lasting effects, and that they are finding it easy to move on.”

As much as Baru hated being analyzed, she did like the cadence of Iscend’s voice. The almost sing-song way she related information. As if she were reciting from a book. She liked it because it was not normal, and it made her feel better about herself.

“After this period of apparent calm, the subject begins to retraumatize themself. Or, trauma resurfaces at random intervals, triggered by seemingly unrelated stimuli. I believe it is a way for the brain to process what has happened to itself, now that it is in a safe enough environment to do so.”

“Why does the brain need to process it? Can’t it just erase it?”

“Sometimes it does.” Iscend said, in that unapparent sarcasm that only Baru seemed to detect.

“Ah. Right.”

“In any case, and this is my own heretical speculation--” Baru smiled. “--counter to what the prevailing thought is, that this retraumatization is a partial failure of conditioning and should be treated as such, I think it’s actually a positive sign.”

“A positive sign? To retraumatize yourself?”

“Yes. It means the brain has begun to accept what has happened to it. And that it wishes to learn. It wishes to learn what it must do differently to avoid future trauma. Rather than destroy the memory of the trauma, and learn nothing, it is attempting to heal from it.”

Baru was quiet for several seconds, considering. In a way, it did make sense. That phantom feeling of something above and behind her had lessened, since she had taken out Farrier. It still dogged her at times, but its absence was prolonged enough for her to notice. And her sight returned, for longer and longer stints. And all this… all this crying. Over stupid things. A dropped pen. A dead seagull on the docks. A coil of chain on a drawbridge. Insane things. She thought that suited her without further interrogation, but if she put them together like pieces…

Iscend asked again, “So, tell me then. Why doesn’t Shao Lune matter?”

“We should probably have this conversation somewhere else--” Iscend placed a gentle but firm hand on Baru’s thigh, holding her to the spot.

“Don’t try to get out of this. Answer.”

Baru tried to get out of it. She thought of Tau-Indi and of sinking ships and of that horrible whale. And then she began to cry again.

“This is stupid. I need alcohol if we’re going to--”

“Baru. Please.” And then, with an uncharacteristic amount of vocal fry, “for _me_.”

Baru sat back and crossed her arms.

“Shao Lune doesn't matter… because why would she?” Baru paused, actually thought about it. “She can’t touch me now. Politically. Physically. Apparently she can still upset me… emotionally. But.”

“But?” Baru eyed Iscend’s hand, still pressed to her thigh. Iscend removed it a few moments later, casually.

“But I don’t know _why._ Logically, she doesn’t matter. She is no longer a player. I’ve removed her. If she’s still playing, she’s several tiers below me now, and I need to just train myself to ignore her.”

“And the illogical part? Does she still matter, illogically?”

“Well…” Baru sniffed. Tried to turn the left side away from Iscend, but she was on that side. Settled for a throw of her head and a sigh. “I don’t want her to matter, even illogically. But I guess she _does_. Or she used to. Well--”

“Well?”

“Well why do I have any right to be upset? Didn’t I use her? Wasn’t I willing to sacrifice her the whole time? Didn’t I leave her on _Eternal_? Why shouldn’t she have used me right back? She told me she would. I would--I did do the same? Who cares if it hurt? She doesn’t seem hurt, but that’s probably because she didn’t deserve it as much. It’s my own fault, and so…”

Iscend listened quietly, waiting for Baru to finish, not wishing to interrupt if she had more to say. When Baru said no more, Iscend fell sideways, sitting on the ground, her thigh snug against Baru’s. 

“The pain happens regardless of blame. Trauma doesn’t care who did what. The needle goes in, the nerve responds. It’s just a reaction; A survival adaptation.”

“Like being a tribadist?” Baru said dryly, but Iscend’s response was so sincere it hurt, deep in her chest:

“Yes. Like being a tribadist, if it helps you to associate it with something positive.”

Baru held her gaze, glaring at her. How could she say these things so easily? Her perfect little face a mask of indifference, saying something so wildly dangerous with ease. It was so exciting, how casual she was with all of it. And it made Baru so angry, how little she could do. How little she had to choose to do.

“Baru! Baru, you son of a bitch!” Below, Shao Lune yelled. She was drunk, or drugged, or completely sober and faking well. She was turned away from Baru, pointing at Captain Geland, as if an actress in a play.

“And then I said, I said--I said you fucking betrayed the entire fleet! The whole country, the whole fucking world!”

Captain Geland clapped her hands together. “And what did she say? Tell me!”

Shao Lune pulled her pants up above her hips, indicating manliness. “Well, she lied and said, ‘Nooo Shao Lune noooo! I’ll have this all sorted out. We’ll work this all out. I promise you. Just trust me. Just come over here. Sit a little closer.’ That’s what she said.”

Captain Geland laughed. “And then she fucked you?”

“And then she fucked me!”

Geland, gleeful: “In more ways than one!”

Shao Lune, just as gleeful. “In several ways!”

They descended into laughter, falling onto one another. It seemed Geland had taken a liking to Shao Lune. It seemed the whole thing had been theater for sympathy. A new loyalty test for a new player. And if Baru had followed, had made a scene, well it would have only solidified Geland’s sympathy for Shao Lune. Well, Baru wouldn’t give her that.

“I think we should go now,” Baru said, strangely calm.

“I think not. A moment, please.”

“Iscend, no--”

Iscend met Baru’s gaze, held it as her hands pulled something out of her belt. “Trust me. I have your interests at heart.”

Baru stared into her amber eyes, wanting to do something stupid. So she did, and trusted Iscend.

Baru watched as Iscend pulled what looked like a flute and two bright plumes of red and purple from her belt bag. Baru stared as Iscend stuffed the red plume into the end of the flute, lifted it to her lips and then--

Through the slat in the wood, Iscend managed not only to blow the dart with the requisite force to sink into Captain Geland’s neck, but with the needed accuracy as well. 

Geland hit the ground, the side of her face colliding with the smaller remnants of broken glass. Shao Lune saw the blood trickle from Geland’s face and screamed. The person in the adjoining balcony yelled her name, and she looked to them, giving Iscend her second shot at Shao Lune’s neck. She too hit the ground, missing the glass.

Baru stood up and stared over the wall. She watched as a Clarified spun over the other balcony’s railing and sauntered down to the bodies. He gave orders to the servant who came out, clearly terrified. Papers were shown, and all was quiet. 

Baru turned to Iscend. Iscend’s eyebrows were arched and her lips pursed in smug triumph. “Oh, I forgot. _Gaios_.” she said, and slipped her dart gun back in its holster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I listened to on repeat while I wrote this was Diamonds by Sam Smith, if that does anything for y'all.
> 
> Chapter 2 will get sexier and more physically and emotionally traumatic.


	2. Compromised

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man I love putting my best work into fandoms that have 7 people in it. Anyway enjoy.

Captain Geland and Shao Lune didn’t die. The darts had been tipped with a paralyzing agent, and the Clarified man Iscend had stationed in the opposite building had tended their minor wounds and had them transported to their homes. A strongly worded letter on Captain Geland’s desk implied a threat of reprimand, along the promise of promotion, kept her out of Shao Lune’s circle. Shao Lune herself was left unharmed, with nothing more than a blank sheet of paper with the Metademe’s insignia upon it. The threat of many things, the promise of none.

“And you think she will agree to the proposal?” Baru said to one of her aides, a man named Ortho Rin.

“I think she would be an idiot not to,” Ortho said, his fingers dancing over the fold of the envelope he held.

“Well that tells me very little, Ortho.” Baru sat back in her chair, crossed her fingers over her stomach and then sat back up again. “I want that fucking mine, Ortho.”

“I know you fucking do, your excellence.”

Baru leaned on the arm of her chair and picked her teeth with the nib of a pen. She liked that Ortho was a bit of a bitch. It made it easier to work with him, and he never looked at her for too long. She thought for a few seconds and then put the pen down.

“She needs to sign the transfer. I can’t do it for her.”

“Yes, your excellence.”

“Set up a dinner, or some shit. A gala. A fundraiser for the poor.”

“Your excellence.” Ortho placed his hands behind his back, his gaze slightly directed towards the ceiling. He said no more. Baru sighed.

“What? What, you have something better?”

“No, your excellence.”

Baru pulled out a sheet of paper and began scrawling on it. It was only a poorly producing, half-mined out iron mine on the north edge of the Butterveldt, but she needed it. She needed it because she had no idea where the fuck Appariator was and if he was going to take all of her fucking steel, well, she had to look as if she gave a shit. It was a feign, but a very important one.

“Take this to her, don’t come back until she signs the transfer. I don’t care if you have to fuck her to do it, just do it.”

Ortho took the paper with sneer. “Two steps ahead of you.” 

“What? What the fuck do you know?”

Ortho bowed and turned on his heel. Baru threw her hands out in confusion, her eyebrows knit in annoyance. She watched him go, and then watched Iscend stroll into her office effortlessly carrying a wooden crate by a linen strap, a leather-bound journal in her other hand.

“No, no I’m not in the mood for whatever the hell you’ve got today.”

Iscend stopped, inclined her head to Baru. “Your Excellence.” She turned on her heel and began to head for the door. Baru covered her mouth with her hand and then said, “Wait.”

Iscend froze where she stood. Did not look back.

“Come back. I just--Just give me a minute. I need a drink before whatever the hell that is.” She gestured to the crate as Iscend turned around and sat in the chair before Baru’s desk.

Baru stood and turned her back to Iscend and poured a glass of wine. She half-turned back to Iscend, raised a second glass in offering with a raised eyebrow. Iscend raised a polite hand against it. Baru sat back down and sipped her wine, her feet on her desk.

“You drink wine now?” Iscend asked politely.

“I always drank wine?”

“You usually prefer liquor.”

“Well, I’ve got wine today.” She tilted the glass towards Iscend as if in toast, and then downed the entire glass. Iscend watched, blinking once. Baru put the glass down and then clapped her hands.

“All right. Let’s have it.”

Iscend inclined her head and then set into motion like a machine flipped on. She opened her journal and began laying out papers into three orderly stacks upon Baru’s desk. She closed the journal and then rearranged the papers atop the journal in her lap, and then crossed her fingers and set them on the stack.

“I thought we would start with Hesychast.”

“Fine.”

She pulled the first two papers from the stack and handed them to Baru.

“The first is a summary of his recent moves. The second is a summary of the intel I have given him on you from last week.”

“Did you get his tailor?”

Iscend pulled the third paper from the stack and handed it to Baru.

“Oh, excellent. So we’ve secured, what… forty percent of the textile market now?”

“Forty-two percent. You have the majority.”

“Good. Fuck him. It’s obviously just a start, but fuck him. And his suits.”

Baru perused the first two papers another moment and then set them aside as Iscend was already handing her the next paper.

“The dock workers won’t agree to your terms,” Iscend said. “I tried every contact, between both you and Hesychast. They’re like the navy. They won’t lift a finger to help us until they’re sure they’ll benefit, but unlike the navy, there is a comradery among them. They won’t betray their own.”

“That’s good.”

Iscend tilted her head. Baru had already looked up, anticipating the reaction, not wanting to miss it. She always found that tilt endearing. “Your excellence?”

“If I can’t buy them, then nobody can. That’s good. We’ll set them aside until the second phase.”

“Yes, your excellence.”

They went on like that, checking the strings of the web they were building in Falcrest. Then the news from Lonjaro, of Kindalana and Abdu’s reconstruction work there. Tau’s brief diplomatic stint in Shaheen, of the mess that was building on the border. Over Iscend’s network in the Metademe, and of Yawa’s difficulties smoothing wrinkles both in bureaucracy and in brains, no doubt. It would do, for now. Baru hated to trust, but this time she was trusting something solid. An asset that never devalued. But it would need time to grow.

“Still no word from Svir?” Baru asked, apprehensive.

“None. We can’t even get a secondary contact established. Wherever he is, we cannot reach him.”

“Hmm. Well shit, maybe he finally fucked off.”

“It is possible, but unlikely due to the appeal.”

“Satamine.”

“Yes.”

Baru threw her head to one side, her eyes narrowed at the map on the wall. She traced the river down from Vultjag… her mind wandering a moment too long and then all at once she snapped back. “Well fuck him too then. Next.”

Iscend was down to the last two pages in her stack. She stalled, uncharacteristically fidgeting with the edge of one of the papers with the nail of her index finger. Baru watched, hawk-like. Iscend smoothed the fold she had made in the paper, not looking at Baru when she spoke.

“In regards to my study of your condition, and of your treatment plan...I have a proposal for you--an exercise I would like to perform on-- _with_ you.”

Iscend’s lovely head was tilted down, but her eyes were keen, looking up to Baru through her lashes. Baru crossed her legs, sat up in her chair.

“Want to go poking around inside me again, do you?” Instantly, Baru felt hot guilt drip down her ribcage.

Iscend continued, visibly unaffected by the comment. “The procedure requires the use of a small needle. The drug will wear off within an hour.”

Baru’s eyes hurt. “Elaborate.”

“Your perception and judgement will not be altered. You will be cognizant of your surroundings.”

“A paralytic?”

Iscend held Baru’s gaze, her eyes boring into her as efficiently as her tools. She inclined her head in the affirmative. “A temperature test as well, but it’s non-invasive. Warm water, ice water. Stimuli responses recorded.”

Baru waved her hand. “All right. If you think it’s warranted.” If she was being honest, she didn’t think any of Iscend’s work on her hemineglect would change much for her, materially. She would suffer through it, and her sight would return eventually, and she would go on with her life. But if allowing Iscend to collect data on her condition was useful to the Metademe, made Heyschast believe he was keeping tabs on her, or had some edge, then it had use. And Baru got to see Iscend a little more often. Professionally. “When would you like to do this?”

“This evening, if permissible.” 

Baru nodded. 

“I’ll be at your residence at 8 o’clock, then.”

“My residence?” 

Iscend came to the houseboat occasionally, but usually with others, and always in the day.

“For your convenience, and safety. Security is already arranged for your residence, and so it would be easier than another location. Unless you prefer an exam room in the Metademe?”

There was a security regiment that followed Baru, now that she was empress. Stationed around her, her residence, her office, and in a secure location that she herself did not know of, in case such a place was needed. “No… no my residence is fine.”

Iscend nodded and rose from her chair. She tucked her journal under her arm and lifted the crate she had brought with her onto Baru’s desk. “Then I shall see you this evening, your excellence.” Her gaze fell to the crate. “This was sent to me through the post, though I am very sure it was meant for you. I shall leave it with you.” She turned to leave and then, as if with great effort, she turned back around and said, “I did open it, of course, as it was addressed to me. I read the attached note. If you wish for me to forget it, I will do so, though I did not fully understand the message.” Baru gave her a quizzical look but nodded and watched Iscend leave, fully, before turning her attention back to the crate.

Baru slit the linen strap around the crate open with her letter opener, the nails having already been pulled out, presumably when Iscend had opened it. The lid came off easily, and with it, the smell of coffee bloomed.

“Oh…”

Baru pulled the sacks of coffee beans out one by one, smelling them and running her hands over them like they were gold. Under the coffee, rolled in a carpet, were three pineapples.

“Devana fucking take her, I swear.”

She found the note tucked into the side of the crate, her eyes already pricked with pain in anticipation.

 _Dear Falca girl,_ the note began, in her mother’s handwriting. _Hope you are all still alive. I’ve sent along samples of our trade goods, for the consideration in a new trade deal. If you have not heard, a trade union has formed here.”_ Baru grinned, despite the welling of tears in her eyes. _In any case, we are all doing well, considering. Will update when able._

There was a postscript, and as she read, Baru’s face got hot with shame while she half-barked a laugh:

_P.S. The pineapples are for you and your gweloka. Don’t drip all over her this time._

* * *

Baru sat at her desk, in her bedroom, staring at the clock. Seven fifty-eight. She looked up, and then stood, pushed in her chair, and stood with her hands on the back of the chair. She drummed her fingers three times and then sat on the edge of her bed. She stood. Paced once towards the window and then realized how unbelievably stupid she was being. She was going to just go down the stairs to her study and retrieve a bottle of whiskey. She made it halfway across the room when Iscend appeared, her back splayed in an arch as she gripped the windowsill upside down, her legs folding down from the top of the roof, only to reverse and flip inside the room with the grace of a ballet dancer. Or an assassin.

Baru half-tripped on her rug and then settled for leaning on the side of her desk, hips at an angle. She waved, and then put her hand behind her back, feeling very foolish.

“Good evening, your excellence.” Iscend smoothed her suit unnecessarily, the skin-tight, ruby jumpsuit clinging to her without bunching or wrinkling. It covered her from ankle to throat, long-sleeved. Modest, if it hadn’t accentuated her every curve and hard plane. She wore her waist belt, though her dart gun had been replaced by a larger side bag, an extra strap securing it to her upper thigh. She unfastened it and retrieved a wooden box, about the length of her palm, and the width of half of it.

She crossed the room with precision, heading directly for Baru. Baru stood stupid, still pretending she wasn’t taking in the shape of Iscend’s body. Iscend waited politely, gesturing her need of the desk. 

“If you’re comfortable doing so, please take off your shirt and recline on the bed.”

“I, uh, okay.”

Baru did as she was bid, removing her shirt (with her strophium still on) and then sat with her back against her headboard. She crossed her arms, then settled them at her sides. Then settled them in her lap.

“I’ll be just a moment. I need the use of your kitchen.”

Iscend disappeared downstairs, to the lower level of the houseboat. It was currently moored to one of Baru’s private docks, and Baru stared out the window as she waited. A lone ship was coming into port, a merchant ship. Its signal lights flickered on the black water. _All is well._

Iscend reappeared with two ceramic mugs and two hand towels. She set them upon the desk, and with her back turned to Baru, opened the wooden box and began preparing her tools. Baru kept touching her nose.

“All right,” Iscend said finally, a set of needles in one hand, a hand towel and a small bottle of alcohol in the other. “First, do you feel well? Any symptoms or irregularities from your usual state?”

“No, none.” 

Iscend sat on the bed, her thigh brushing Baru’s. She was wearing her cosmetics again. Her cheeks shimmered and her eyelids were painted red, lined black underneath. She placed the bottle of alcohol between her thighs.

“Shit,” Baru mumbled.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.”

Iscend blinked, gazing at Baru. Her eyes darted over her features, and then down to her neck, then breasts. Baru told herself it was a clinical assessment. 

“Do you currently have vision in both eyes?” Iscend asked as she held up a needle in her hand. It was thin but long, a single piece of metal that was undoubtedly coated in a paralytic.

Baru turned her head to the right, and then the left. “Yes, I think so.”

Iscend held up the needle as a guide. “Follow with your eyes, head stationary, please.”

Baru’s eyes followed Iscend’s finger more than the needle. She had painted her nails red.

“You do seem to have complete vision at the moment, yes. Now, I am going to ask you a series of questions. These may seem redundant, or unrelated, but please answer them honestly, without too much thought. They should be the first thoughts that come to mind.”

“All right,” Baru said. She expected Iscend to stick the needle into her arm or neck but Iscend hesitated. “What?” Baru asked bluntly.

Iscend lowered her hand and said, “I may also ask Tain Hu some questions, if she is willing.” Baru didn’t know what to say to that, so she remained silent. “They would be yes or no questions. She would respond by blinking; once for yes, twice for no.”

“Okay,” Baru said, feeling strange but no different than a moment before.

Iscend raised the needle again. “Are you ready to begin?”

“Yes.”

“You should be able to speak and think clearly through the entirety of the exercise. If at any point you feel you cannot, or that something is off, try to communicate that to me, or look away from me. I will be assessing you for signs of distress throughout.”

Iscend sat up, curving her spine to stretch, her breasts heaving with the action. “I will begin now. Please sit on the edge of the bed with your feet on the floor, back straight.”

Baru did as she was bid, and Iscend slipped behind her. She sat with her legs folded under her, her body not in contact with Baru’s. Baru’s spine tingled from the touch of Iscend’s index finger as she reached out and counted vertebrae silently, running her finger down Baru’s neck to her spine. 

The needle slid in, though Baru felt only heat. A minute passed, and Baru felt the warmth spread. She focused on her breathing, and Iscend’s breath, as she felt it at the nape of her neck.

“Can you lift either arm?” Iscend asked.

Baru attempted, both arms responding, yet tingling as they did so.

“Please respond verbally as well.”

“Yes, I can lift both arms, but they feel strange.”

“Place your left hand on your thigh, and hold your right one out until it begins to fatigue.”

“Okay.” Baru did as she was bid.

“What is your mother’s name, Baru?”

“Pinion,” Baru said instantly. But then she mused. Did she still have a mother now? Iscend had told her not to think too much.

“And where do you live, Baru?”

“Falcrest--no--the Ashen Sea, technically.”

Heat continued to spread over Baru’s body, her right arm beginning to tingle from the paralytic, but also from the fatigue of holding it out. She did not lower it.

“Who is the current Lord of Duchy Vultjag?”

“I am.”

Baru’s vision faltered. She lost sight completely, and then it returned fully. She felt pressure on her back, but could not feel it beyond knowing it was not the needle, simply a shapeless force. Then Iscend’s breath and voice were very close, warm on the tip of her right ear.

“Are you afraid of me?” Iscend whispered. It was deadly for its softness, for the way the sound seemed to echo in Barhu’s mind. “Are you afraid of being afraid of me?”

“You think I fear you?” Barhu said. “I don’t fear you.”

Iscend pulled back, her voice and warmth reappearing on Baru’s left side. “I Think Baru fears me. Do you fear me, Baru?”

Baru’s breathing became labored. She let her right arm fall to her thigh. Heat was spreading everywhere, the paralytic reaching into her arms and moving to her legs. Her neck and head seemed unaffected from the drug, but then Iscend was there, adding heat.

“I fear myself, Iscend. I fear you only in that sense. I fear you through me,” Baru answered. “That doesn’t make sense, let me rephrase--”

“That’s sufficient.” Iscend’s nose bumped the side of Baru’s neck. She inhaled sharply, her forehead resting on the nape of Baru’s neck for a moment and then--

“Why do you treat me differently than your others?”

Baru was holding her left arm out now; she didn’t remember raising it. She didn’t want to know what Iscend was talking about. She couldn’t. This couldn’t be part of it. She had already dealt with this. “Who? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

“Close your eyes, please.”

Baru did. She felt the pressure of movement, in that dead-limbed way a foot that has fallen asleep feels the ground, foreign to itself.

“You may open your eyes.”

Iscend was nude from the waist up. Her jumpsuit had been peeled down, her breasts bare, nipples taut. It took Baru some time before she realized that Iscend was pulling needles out of her own spine.

“No, wait. Iscend, this isn’t--”

“It’s part of the exercise, Baru.”

Baru’s mind was racing. Her face and her limbs were on fire. Iscend exhaled with such pleasure it struck Baru stupid. Iscend extracted another needle from her spine.

“Iscend, this can’t possibly be therapeutic. You’ve twisted your conditioning very prettily but this isn’t… this can’t…” Baru trailed off, staring as Iscend stretched, her arms high above her head as she arched towards Baru. She blinked several times and then, with a warm smile, said, “You do not wish to be attracted to me. This is not related to your isoamory, but your perception that I cannot consent to your attraction.” Iscend stood, and Baru saw pinpricks of blood on her back. “It is inhibiting the progress I am making with your hemineglect. Transferring you to another specialist is inadvisable. It has to be me--” She peeled her jumpsuit down below her hips. “--because of my history with you and my specific knowledge and ability to circumvent aspects of my conditioning.” Her jumpsuit pooled at her feet, and she stood nude before Baru. “I am unique, and I must break you of your attraction to me, specifically, so that we can make progress again.”

Baru sat on her bed, arms leaden at her sides, paralyzed from the neck down. She could do nothing to stop this, even as the words were on her tongue. Even as she knew Iscend would obey if she told her to get dressed and leave. ... But what harm could she do now, quite literally paralyzed? She could not act, no matter how badly she wanted to. And if she wasn’t able to move…

Iscend knelt on the bed, leaving Baru a last precious moment to object.

Baru let the moment pass. 

Iscend swung a leg around Baru, pulled herself up, and settled down on Baru’s hips, nothing more than a dull pressure. If Baru was aroused, she could not feel it. It upset her, which was absurd.

“I am going to attempt to ask Tain Hu a few questions now, if that’s all right?”

Baru stared at the ceiling, but then quickly looked back to Iscend. Looking away was a sign of distress. “Okay.”

Iscend held Baru’s gaze. She was so effortlessly beautiful it made Baru nauseous. Then Iscend was gone, except for her voice:

“Tain Hu, is Baru still attracted to me, sexually?”

Silence.

“Tain Hu, does Baru--”

“Wait, did she answer? What did she say?”

“Baru, please don’t interrupt.”

Baru flushed with frustration. She wanted to know if Tain Hu was betraying her. She wanted to be in control of the situation. She wanted to see Iscend’s tits again.

“Tain Hu, does Baru ever discuss me with you?”

Maddening silence. From her left, Baru saw the merchant ship still on the horizon, much closer now. She would have given half the Mbo to be able to buck her hips.

“Do you think she’s being truthful with me, during our sessions?”

Baru thought she was beginning to feel her big toe again.

“And do you think she’s truthful with me other times, outside of the sessions?”

No, no it was still numb.

“And what you discussed with me last time--”

“What?” Baru blurted out. “You two talk?”

“Baru, please don’t inter--”

“Iscend, have you talked to Tain Hu without me knowing before?”

“Yes, but only once.”

“ _How?_ ”

“I sent her a letter, now Baru, please.”

Baru scowled but stayed quiet, and Iscend asked her last two questions of Tain Hu:

“Do you still advise the same course of action you advised last time?” A pause, and then, “So, you think there is still a chance?”

Baru felt dull pressure and then Iscend reappeared on Baru’s left side. She was pulling her jumpsuit back up, and she jerked sideways, as if someone had slapped her, or thrown something at her. She let her jumpsuit fall back to the floor, and slowly, she arranged herself back into Baru’s lap.

“Baru listen to me, tell me to go right now and I will.”

“What… what is it?”

“Baru if you want me to leave, tell me.”

Baru tried in vain to raise her arms. “Is this still part of the exercise?”

Iscend reached out, gently ran the back of her fingers down Baru’s face. Baru could feel it, and wished she could feel more.

“Does this upset you?” She turned her palm to Baru’s face, cupping her chin in her hand.

“No… no, it doesn’t?”

“But I am not in control of myself?” It was a question. It was definitely a question.

“I don’t… I don’t know Iscend. That’s enough to make it a no.”

Iscend’s breath was warm on Baru’s lips. She was so close, fingers trailing down Baru’s chin to the muscles in her neck. Baru tried to reach up and pull her closer.

“Ah, _fuck_.” The tingling started in her elbow, Baru’s arm flopping and then seizing as the muscle spasmed as if she had banged her elbow on her desk. She let it still, then tried again only to get a stronger spasm.

“ _Gaios_. Leave now.”

Iscend was up and dressed before Baru could move her fingers. She was collecting her needles and sterilizing them with the alcohol as quickly as she could before piling them back into the wooden box.

“Iscend wait, what about the temperature test?”

“No time. It’ll be rescheduled.” She was closing the lid of the box, fitting it back into her side bag.

“Iscend, are you all right?”

Iscend approached, stood needle straight, her face a mask of Clarified calm. “Of course, your excellence. You will be able to move again within the next few minutes, but don’t force it. Wait until you regain full feeling before trying to rise.”

“Okay, but Iscend really--”

“Good evening, your excellence.”

Iscend flew through the window like an arrow, launching herself up onto the roof. Baru imagined her running on her toes over one of the tie-up ropes, disappearing back into the city. Baru sighed, threw her head back and banged it on the headboard, tried to reach up and rub it, only to have her arm pang and spasm again.

“Fuck. _Fuck!_ ”

Twenty minutes later, Baru wobbled into a standing position and forced herself across her room to her desk. She braced herself on the back of the chair and stared down at the single needle placed neatly on a blank piece of paper.

“Hu… you better not have said anything I wouldn’t have.”

Baru braved the stairs down to the study to take a shot of whiskey, relieved herself in the ship’s water closet, then hobbled back to her bedroom and threw herself on the mattress. She stared up at the ceiling, mind racing, trying to solve the puzzle. She could only think of Iscend, flashes of her body, her smile, her touch.

On the roof, directly above and beside Baru in her bed, Iscend was laid out, tears in her eyes. 

“ _Gaios_ , stop crying. _Gaios_ , stop crying!”

She continued to cry, silently, unable to force herself to leave, to move at all unless it was into Baru’s bed. She touched the fingers she had pressed to Baru’s face to her lips, and then she waited.

Hours later, the sun crested over the horizon. It was discipline alone that propelled her down the ropes, down the dock, as far away from Baru as she could manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter was Don't Do It by Marian Hill.
> 
> You know how people like to make up cute endearing little words in conlangs or whatever for their OTP? Yeah, that's not what gweloka means lol. Anyway... we have not yet reached Maximum Sexy nor Maximum Trauma.


	3. Cognizant Dissonance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is short but I've already started the next chapter and it should be up faster than this one was, barring any more government insurrections or whatever.

“I administered the paralytic as you asked.”

Cosgrad Torrinde barely looked at her. He was bent over a specimen table, hands behind his back, arm muscles uncomfortably taut in his silk overcoat. He rolled his shoulders, attempting to make the seam sit better under his arm.

“And did you observe the anticipated reaction?”

“I did.”

He picked up a sharinga tree specimen from the table, his eyes tracing the veins of the leaves. Then, with a languorous motion that did not match it’s deadliness, he leveled that knowing look at her. Iscend held fast.

“Iscend.”

“Your excellence?”

He placed the specimen back on the table. Sighed. Walked to the open window of the tower and stood in a sparkling ripple of sunlight. A gull’s nest was pushed against the outer window shutter, a mess of shit and twigs that bore two small eggs.He turned back to Iscend and then pulled a wooden chair from against the wall and dragged it before the specimen table. He gestured for her to sit; she did as she was bid.

“Recite the directive I gave you, concerning the exercise you performed with Agonist last night.” Heyschast took his place behind the table, returning to the specimens before him as if Iscend were not there. He plunged two fingers into a thick, white liquid in a bowl.

“My directive was to assess Agonist’s current mental state, the progression of her hemineglect, and to further cement an emotional attachment to her.”

Heyschast gestured for her to continue without looking up. He pulled his fingers apart, the liquid latex dripping viscously.

“Furthermore, I was to introduce to her the idea that I was in contact with Tain Hu, the part of her brain she believes to be Tain Hu, that is, and to guide her based on a series of questions, designed to feign my personal vulnerability and affection for her.”

“And you did that.” Not a question.

“I did.”

A pause as he cleaned his fingers of the raw latex and began to examine a sample of a small, red fungus.

“Your assessment.”

_Baru’s lips, parted in shock. The distant bark of laughter as she left the office. A cold stream running down the mountain._

“Her hemineglect is progressing non-linearly, though generally trending towards recovery. It is still too early to say that she will recover fully, but she has exceeded estimates. Emotionally, she is within our estimates. I administered the drug and delivered the questions without incident and retracted before the paralytic wore off. There was one anomaly.” The last delivered abruptly enough that Heyschast looked up.

“Of what sort?”

Iscend did not flinch, did not move from her straight-backed position in the chair. “I reacted in a way that was not compliant with my conditioning, after I had left her excellence’s residence.” She did not elaborate. Annoyed, Heyschast prompted her.

“In what way, Iscend?” Iscend looked up and to the left. Waited the requisite time to appear convincing, and then said:

“I believe I had an emotional reaction. It impaired my ability to complete the second exercise. I was.. compromised for some time after.”

“As a result of you subverting your command word, _Gaios_?”

“No.”

“But you are still using the work around, are you not?”

“Yes, but I am sure the anomaly was not a result of subverting my command word.”

Heyschast appraised her then, the weight of his gaze oppressive. Iscend knew she had nothing in the world to hide, was not capable of hiding before him, and yet the fear was there. It thrilled her with its newness. She held the knot in her chest and hoped she would feel fear always. The moment passed.

“Well, I’m not surprised. You’re a volatile tool by design; I made you that way. Your instability and flexibility are two sides of the same coin.” He pressed his fingers to his lips for a moment, then realized he had and shook the behavior out. “But you were able to exit the situation before any damage was done. As designed.”

“Your excellence… what caused the reaction?”

Heyschast did not explain. He picked up a journal and made several notations. He went on for so long that Iscend thought she was to be dismissed. Had the urge to go. Knew physically she could simply stand and leave the room. She just needed to do it. She just needed to unbend and then--

“Report to the metademe and inform them you’re at level two. Submit fully to their assessment and allow them to examine you physically. _Gaios_ , go.”

Iscend stood with all the force of her own conviction. She made a short bow and turned. And then the words fell from her mouth:

“You know that she’s going to take the mine in the Butterveldt?”

Heyschast rippled with interest. He threw the mass of his softly curled brown hair to one side. Calmly, as if not wishing to disturb a butterfly from its perch before he could properly examine it, he replied, “It’s a terrible investment. She would never; what’s it for?”

“She needs the iron.”

He leaned forward, his fingertips splayed on the table.“No. No, hardly. What does she have?” 

“And also…” Iscend ignored him. She strung out her words slowly, tasting them as they came to her trembling lips. They tasted like fear and it thrilled her. “She has your tailor. That’s why your shirts have been fitting like shit.”

Hesychast’s lip curled over one canine in vanity. He shook it off, but his temper wavered in his words. “ _Gaios._ Tell me what she has.”

“You look like a prostitute, and not a g--.”

Hesychast strode swiftly towards her, one hand extended out to her neck, clamping shut as it pinned her against the wall. Iscend suppressed a giggle. No! Not joy, she thought. Fear. It has to be fear.

Hesychast stared into her eyes one at a time. Looking for tells. Looking for dilation. Looking for anything.

“When the eagle comes home to nest,” he said, monotone.

“Only then shall I know rest,” Iscend replied automatically.

He eased at that, and then released her after a moment’s final consideration. A ring of a bell summoned a Clarified. Hesychast gave his orders in a blur, and the Clarified took Iscend by the arm. She tasted freedom for one last lingering second then fell back into reality. Back onto the stage.

“Level three. Notify me when it’s done.”

“Yes, your excellence.”

* * *

Baru opened the door to find a pile of fabric. Or at least that’s what the woman looked like, so over-adorned and draped in silk and linen that she could barely make out the figure underneath. She was rather short and had the look of Segu blood in her facial features, but her long, pin-straight black hair, which was pulled up and knotted into an impossible coif, did not. She was carrying yet more clothing, only slightly more muted in color than the bright emeralds and ceruleans fabrics the woman wore, and they were no less fine. Baru closed the door to her dressing room carefully, afraid she would catch the tailor’s long trailing skirts in the door.

Baru watched as the woman rearranged Baru’s wardrobe and cleared her vanity without hesitation. She kicked a pair of Baru’s boots into the corner with a retching noise and then tsked loudly.

“Have to send someone back with shoes now. Imagined you’d have something suitable, rich as you are.” She continued her musing without so much as a glace at Baru, who stood there, half deciding if she could imagine fucking a woman such as this and then, thinking far better of it, took a seat and simply waited.

“You’ll be wearing this for the benefit ball. I know it seems a bit… much. But it was stressed that this was for your safety, ma’am.”

“Your excellence,” Baru corrected.

“What? Oh. Hmm oh! That is a very funny joke, ma’am.”

Baru rolled her eyes and stood still while the tailor poked and prodded her into the outfit. When she was done, Baru felt it very ill fitting, too big in places, too small in others, but she supposed that was the point of this appointment.

She stood in the mirror and appraised herself. Not quite the rugged figure she cut in Aurdwynni attire at the last masquerade she attended, but it wouldn’t do to repeat the same gambit twice. She couldn’t believe Falcresti men really tolerated these tights. She turned her leg in the mirror and saw the definition of her calf, tightly encased in shining violet cloth.

“Himu fuck, I look like I fuck men,” Baru swore under her breath.

“Hmm? What was that, ma’am?”

The tailor helped her into an embroidered bolero that glittered gold in the light. She pulled the frilled front of Baru’s undershirt forward into a voluminous bow and then appraised the whole outfit.

“I’ll have to take in the inseam of your pants, of course. And the hair and makeup obviously will complete the look and you’ll look more masculine then. The mask will do the rest of the work. And the lifts, of course. You’re tall enough, but you would be far too conspicuous if you didn’t wear them. No Falcresti man would attend a formal event in slippers. As I said, I’ll have someone sent over with them before you depart tomorrow evening.”

“Fine.”

The tailor hurried Baru out of her clothes and promised to have the alterations finished by tomorrow. She babbled on for another few minutes about cosmetics and jewelry, reaching up to Baru’s ear and tugging it down to her eye level to see if they were pierced. She frowned.

“It would be best if your ears were pierced. Do you have any aversion to needles?”

Baru snorted. “No.”

“Excellent. I’ll send someone along to do that as well.” She circled Baru one more time appraisingly, though she had already changed back into her previous outfit. She nodded once and seemed content. She gathered up Baru’s menswear and half of her own skirts, then bowed to Baru.

“A pleasure, ma’am. I’ll take my leave.”

A thought occurred to Baru. “Miss Marit, wait.” The little woman spun around, her skirts tangling with the motion. Baru held out her hand with the missing fingers. “I’d also like a pair of gloves. But as you see, I’ll need them to be customized. Can you manage that by tomorrow?”

The tailor blinked once. “Of course ma’am. But why ever…?”

Baru grinned. “Personal preference.”

“Very well, ma’am.”

As the door shut, Baru called after, “it’s _your excellence_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top.
> 
> Aminata is in the next chapter folks! She's not ready for it.


End file.
